Text: Jennifer Moi // Oslo, June 5th 2012 // [love to parents]: 5 Things I struggle with as a mother
Like any other mom I struggle all the time.
And I’m not innocent when
it comes to the F-words… [Jennifer Moi]
Like any other mom, I struggle all the time. And I’m not innocent when it comes to the F-words. I’m single with an absent father for my children – and trust me, earning enough coins to pay the bills isn’t easy. I’m not going to color my single-momhood more pink and beautiful than it is. BUT, I believe my story makes me afraid of ever complaining and declaring disaster over our home. And if you dig deep I’m sure you have your story, which will put things in perspective as well.
Most people know I lost my second child six month into the pregnancy, something I do not feel any sorrow over – instead I feel happiness and appreciation over the two children I have. When I lost my second child I made the decision to live (’cause I had a dark shadow hanging over me during the loss – obviously) I decided to live for two heart beats every single day – one for her and one for me (Jasmine and Leonidas does their own beats). And of course, I had a son to take care of – so living became easy. Living life to the full became my tribe, and alongside the entire struggle I became significantly ungreedy. People call my lifestyle alone with two children self-realization, hippie-lifestyle, partly alternative and so on, as I’ve completely abandoned the business-Jennifer I used to be – focusing only on my writing, music, lifestyling and beauty remedies. I’m open for whatever life brings, if God has a man for me, a third (forth) child, a greater career and some of my dreams to become real… I’m going to be open for it.
Being open means to consider and make decisions AFTER the proposal has presented it’s self. Doing so makes you realize that it’s only in that single moment or later one will have the real consciousness to adapt with the proposal – because the proposal isn’t real before. And talking about it ALL, means even the small details in life, which actually IS life. In the situation of being a parent, this means paying attention to details around for instance dressing your child during the morning rush. Most of us want our children to be like robots when we are battling with time and our one goal is making it to the office on time. Well, they aren’t robots. They are small people with feelings and ups and downs as everyone else. So be open and ask your self: what’s cooking? Why does my child act like this right now?
Here’s a list over a few of the situations I struggle with without an exception – truths I’m slowly learning to adapt to.
- Struggle: Racing with time. Process: I’ve accepted that fighting against time only brings headache to every part of living. Truth: Things takes time, get over it and accept it.
- Struggle: Children have good and bad days just like everyone else. Process: I’ve learned that little people are persons too. Solution: Respect them and have empathy for their feelings and their knowledge about life.
- Struggle: Hyperactive children. Process: I’ve spent quite some time to learn about nutrition and the effect sugar, e-material and soda have on children. Truth: Don’t blame your children if they can’t control themselves, science teaches us for instance that ice creams very often contain e-material stimulating hyperactivity and allergies.
- Struggle: Children turning you the deaf ear. Process: Children have their own stories, adventures and fantasies they wish to and NEED TO share. We grown-ups tend to tell the little pirates our dos and don’t and when we ask them questions we don’t really listen to them. I’m slowly learning how to genuinely listen to the children’s stories, and I try to tell them what I rather have them to do – than what I don’t want them to do. Solution: Try to be a better listener. Give the children space to tell their stories.
- Struggle: Children hitting other kids. Process: All children have the need of attention. In situations where there are several children, or two grown ups having the perfect (?) dialogue without paying attention to the child, the child in the lack of attention will do anything to win your attention. Children tend to believe that bad attention is better than no attention, and they know for sure that you will give them all your attention if they scream, hit another child, make a mess at the table etc. Solution: In the first place try to spread your loving attention to all the children including the grown up if you can. But if you already got to the point where your child did something bad or hit some other child. Give ALL your attention to the child who got hit – not your own child. To your own child just give him or her one sentence about that he or she should be nice to other people. Then continue giving the hit child all the attention. After that be alert and notice when your child does something nice to other children, than give him or her ALL your attention and say “bravo” etc.
I’m sure there are many ways to sort out these challenges, but these are truths I’ve learned to adapt to. Adapting to these solutions, even though I don’t always manage it so well, has given me a feeling of being in charge of the family. And it makes me dare to bring my children anywhere – even alone. And the feeling of being sufficient has given my feeling of motherhood a serious positive boost. Being a mother – even a single mother is the best thing there is!!!
Oslo, June 5th 2012